After appearing face down on a doctor’s couch having his prostate checked live on This Morning last month, Paul Ross must have feared his place at the top of this year’s Most Embarrassing TV Moments list was assured.
But then, with the season of goodwill approaching, the true power of brotherly love showed itself.
Well, why else would a singing Jonathan Ross have agreed to appear dressed as Father christmas flowers uk to launch ITV1’s live charity extravaganza Text Santa last Sunday?
While I'm never against helping less fortunate souls, I'm afraid to say that like so many an ITV enterprise this looks like it's being done on half power
There is one possible answer of course. He, like so many other ITV big names, was heavily leaned on to put his weight behind this cheesy bid to compete with the BBC’s legendary charity nights.
Most casual observers will have already noted ITV’s bandwagon-jumping ambitions this year.
Programmes like Holding Out For A Hero, Sing If You Can and Born To Shine were obviously water-testers for the big one.
But while I’m never against helping less fortunate souls, I’m afraid to say that like so many an ITV enterprise this looks like it’s being done on half power.
The truth is, whatever ITV’s real motives, some people will always point to the fact that their very survival relies on making programmes that attract healthy advertising.
So excuse me for being a tad cynical. But when I see Barry Manilow clumsily plugging next year’s tour or Simon Pegg and Nick Frost imploring us to donate while sitting in front of a massive Tintin poster I can’t help but roll my eyes and sigh, ‘Here we go again.’
And that was before David Cameron got in on the act by meeting a heroic foster mum called Doreen.
Doreen’s reaction said it all. ‘It can’t possibly be the PM. He’s far too busy.’
Well Doreen, you’d think he ought to be. But you know Dave. Never too busy for a spot of positive spinning.
On a bad day I might go further and suggest ITV is brazenly storing up good credits for when the next batch of mentally unbalanced auditionees are chewed up and spat out by Britain’s Got Talent and The X Factor. But, motive aside, the biggest problem I have with Text Santa is the timing of it.
Now, I’m sure ITV would love to think that the nation will settle down for a two-hour extravaganza on Christmas Eve. But surely most people will be too busy running round like maniacs to be bothered with watching Ant & Dec tackle the least scary Bushtucker Trial.
That said, I probably will keep an eye on it. Mainly to find out exactly what Christine Bleakley meant when she said: ‘And Holly Willoughby will be here for a spectacular showing.’
What will Holly be showing? Not sure, but they do say christmas flowers uk blogs is a time for hope.
Footnote. Fair play to Elton John for being the only celebrity not to don a tacky Text Santa hat. He’ll do many things for charity will our Elt. But appear in public with something ridiculous atop his head? Never.
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The Xtra Factor’s hostess Caroline Flack seemed to be enjoying herself on BBC2’s late-night music quiz Never Mind The Buzzcocks on Monday night. But such a pity her One Direction boyfriend Harry Styles wouldn’t have been able to watch it. Way past his bedtime.
Another one bites the dust...
Forget all that ‘end of an era’ nonsense.
I think I’ve worked out why ITV really called Westlife’s farewell TV special For The Last Time.
Because those are the four words millions of people have most readily associated with the band these past 14 years.
Westlife have made some memorable recordings (of other people's songs) over the years
As in ‘For the last time, will you please turn that flippin’ boyband rubbish off?!’
I’m only kidding, fellas. Westlife have made some memorable recordings (of other people’s songs) over the years.
Why, I once even murdered Flying Without Wings myself at a works karaoke night as Louis Walsh sat mystified in the front row.
So next time you want to accuse me of not understanding what torments The X Factor contestants are going through, think again my friends. (For the record, Louis later said I reminded him of ‘a young Smokey Robinson.’)
Truth is, as ITV music specials go this was one of the better ones. But a couple of things about it still troubled me.
Why, when it had the same target audience, did ITV put it up against the Strictly final?
And why did the boys claim, ‘If it wasn’t for Louis Walsh we wouldn’t be here today?’
I mean, surely Simon Cowell must also take at least part of the blame.
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Let he who is without sin...
More on the Frozen Planet ‘faked-footage’ scandal.
Turns out that the Emperor penguin’s comedy fall in episode three was all a set-up.
And the word is David Attenborough even told the penguin he could swing a pair of Wimbledon tickets from his mates at the Beeb if he made it look extra convincing.
Seriously though? I can’t help feeling it was a lot of fuss over nothing.
But hey, at least it gave James Whale the chance to dismiss the furore while guesting on ITV1’s GMTV replacement, Daybreak, of all places: ‘Well, it’s not like some phone competition where they’re fiddling the winners, is it?’
Now that’s what I call a killer, Whale.
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The end of an era at Countdown last Friday as Jeff Stelling made his farewell appearance. He has been a revelation and he will be missed. But I can’t wait to see how his replacement, Nick Hewer, fares.
Hewer’s been the best thing about The Apprentice for years. So fair play to C4 for finally giving him the chance to go Sugar free.
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Over at Tuesday’s Loose Women Janet Street-Porter revealed she once played the part of Joseph in her school Nativity play. Blimey. I would have loved to have seen the teeth on whoever pipped her to the role of the donkey.
Axe in haste, repent at your leisure
It was only right that BBC2’s brutally – and foolishly – axed Shooting Stars was recognised at the 2011 British Comedy Awards.
Sadly, elsewhere that shortlist did something which most of the names on it have regularly failed to do this year – it made me laugh.
It was only right that BBC2's brutally - and foolishly - axed Shooting Stars was recognised at the 2011 British Comedy Awards
Still, I am indebted to the judges for placing David Walliams and Matt Lucas’s dismal Come Fly With Me in the Best Sketch Show category.
I’ve always wondered what it was meant to be.
Don’t sing for it. Argos it.
I had to smile when Simon Cowell declared The X Factor judges had done ‘a great job’ this year.
Because if he can issue a dreaded vote of confidence like that while keeping a straight face Cowell would make a brilliant football club chairman.
The X Factor's 'global superstar' stand-in judge Alexandra Burke was flogging watches on Argos TV. That's just embarrassing.com, for everyone concerned
Cowell’s baby this year were the folks over at Strictly Come Dancing who oversaw a joy of a series from start to end.
Still, I guess we can take comfort from the fact that a group finally won Cowell’s karaoke cup.
Because at least they’ll be able to comfort each other when it all goes a bit Matt Cardle.
But if someone asked me to sum up The X Factor 2011 I’d simply tell them to check out what the show’s ‘global superstar’ stand-in judge Alexandra Burke was doing last Tuesday night.
Flogging watches on Argos TV. That’s just embarrassing.com, for everyone concerned.
Now that’s a reality show
I hope this year’s crop of talent-show wannabes watched BBC2’s Monday-night documentary about the finalists of 1986’s New Faces.
Because I Had The X Factor... 25 Years Ago told some pretty harsh truths.
Not least the story of wild partying comic Vinny Cadman who ended up down on his luck and sleeping in a bin for a year.
Yet still climbed out of it looking cleaner than Frankie Cocozza does now.
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BBC2 is about to broadcast a show called I’ve Never Seen Star Wars in which celebrities will attempt to do something they’ve never done before. Rumours that Ricky Gervais will have a go at being humble are as yet unconfirmed.
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You’d be foolish to miss the Christmas edition of ITV2’s Peter Andre: My Life, which sees our hero preparing to play a gig in Norfolk.
Peter Andre taking his latest musical offerings to the land of the condemned turkeys. Kind of apt really.
You'd be foolish to miss the Christmas edition of ITV2's Peter Andre: My Life, which sees our hero preparing to play a gig in Norfolk
On paper Frank Skinner’s BBC2 social-discussion show Class Dismissed looked pretty thin. But the three comics they chose to illustrate Britain’s classes, Miles Jupp, Micky Flanagan and Roisin Conaty, did a great job.
Best line was Micky moaning that ‘only posh people understand modern art.’
No, Micky. Only posh people are stupid enough to pay for it.
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Kerry Katona has signed up for a new Channel 5 series called Celebrity Wedding Planner, in which couples allow a celebrity to plan their entire Big Day.
Apparently Kerry is very excited by the project and if it’s a success would be really keen to lend her valuable expertise to a possible follow-up series. Celebrity Divorce Planner.
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